The Best Laid Plans Of Mice and Men

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry.” — Robert Burns

Like many things, the fear of failure is not something that is necessarily fun to start working on. It’s much easier to convince yourself that you are happier with the path your life is on. Realistically, it’s partially true. Humans are much like water in we choose the path of least resistance. However, I’ve always believed that personal growth is an important part of being an interesting and fully formed human. Not that you have to constantly be making large changes to yourself, but a stagnant pool smells and gathers mosquitoes while a slowly babbling brook is lovely to sit by.

I can’t say that I don’t love to grow as a person. I am hyper aware of myself, sometimes to my own detriment, which means I am tent to take notice when I am limiting myself. Of course this also means I know exactly how to ignore and avoid dealing with my self sabotage. I mean, a girl can only handle so much at once before she needs a break. I tend to be good at pushing my boundaries when I know the potential for success is at least 70%. I have dreams and aspirations that tend to fall in that 50-70% chance of success that, while I make progress, require me to be much braver. This is the fear of failure I’m working on overcoming. If failure is most likely a certainty then it’s not something worth working towards or it requires much more work beforehand.

Over the past year I have been trying to ask myself those hard questions. Who benefits from my failure and who benefits from my success? What happens if I fail? What happens if I succeed? I have been trying to work through the worst and best case scenarios. Unless the worst case scenario involves death, destruction, annihilation, or general loss of more than an ounce of self esteem, it really seems recoverable. It may take me some time apart from specific goals so that I can lick my wounds, but it’s not the end of the world. It can still be difficult to convince myself that it’s worth it, but at the end of the day, growth as a person is always worth it.

Respect The Game

I’m fat.

Sometimes there are phrases that have so much baggage that you end up too tired to unpack them and mentally check out of a situation. You end up having animosity towards the person wanting to have the conversation that you disengage. I fully know that “I’m fat” is one of those phrases but I’m hoping that you’ll let me at least begin to unpack my thoughts surrounding this so we can have a conversation around size that doesn’t completely disintegrate and leave us even more bitter.

Size has been more consciously polarizing recently than I ever remember it being. Although I may have just been too self centered to notice until now. My personal size has also been a topic of this blog since it’s inception via my weight loss journey. I have gotten to a place where it has become irrelevant what others think of my size in regards to my beauty. My beauty exists regardless of my size in that my beauty is more than just my size. So regardless of whether I’m physically attractive, I still have beauty. As Kevin put it, “It’s ‘is she hot?’ Not ‘would you do her?’ Respect the game.”

From my perspective, this is how the fat acceptance movement ended up in left field in regards to mainstream society. There are two competing arguments. I think most rational people can agree that the entirety of our experience, worth, and ability can’t be balanced on one concept. Especially when that one concept carries negative assumptions like weight or disability. So yes, I am fat, but I am more than that. You may have to accept that I am fat but it should not be the limiting factor as to whether I’m a worthwhile human being.

That being said, I shouldn’t be discounted because I want to find my health. My health lies in being smaller whether that’s true for others or not. My existence doesn’t detract from yours. There is this idea that because someone wants to lose weight, they are not accepting of fat bodies existing. Condos can exist and I don’t have to want them. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have worth. It simply doesn’t fit the lifestyle I want to have. I’m also not saying I want to be a twig, I just want a lifestyle and a health profile that fit my goals.

I also don’t want to totally gloss over the Health at Any/Every Size portion of this issue. Yes you can work on being the healthiest version of yourself wherever you are at. That doesn’t mean you will be the healthiest person you could be. I work towards being as healthy as possible but that doesn’t negate the fact that my weight causes joint pain which reduces my ability to do certain things and takes a toll on my quality of life.

Regardless of where you’re at in life, accepting who you are for both your gifts and your limitations is essential. I haven’t perfected it, but like always, I’m a work in progress.

Reintroduction Sucks

So, did the Whole 30 and it was my best round yet!  I finished it, my heart burn and acid reflux was gone, I was getting more sleep as well as better quality sleep, I enjoyed the food I ate and it didn't make me feel like crap, my joints were feeling better, I lost a not insignificant amount of weight, plus a myriad of other things I'm forgetting.  The big positive change for me though was that, while I was looking forward to being done, it wasn't so I could go back to eating all the things.  I wanted to be done so I could put a little honey in my tea and coffee.  That's it.  My big addition to my life was going to be getting honey.

I know I've mentioned before that I have had issues with food for most of my life.  This is a huge shift for me because instead of wanting to eat crap and feel like crap, I have been really enjoying making myself feel good because I'm putting good food in.  So reintroduction starts where I have to start adding food in to see how they make me feel.  This is a big part of Whole 30 as it's an elimination diet to see what foods you have sensitivities to.  A night out led to rice in the form of sushi.  No problems there.  Since I know that during the summer I will want the occasional ice cream, I decided to try some of my favorite custard.  I'm at a mental point where if I'm going to eat something that isn't an everyday item and isn't necessarily contributing to my health goals, I'm going to make it truly worth it.

The custard was a mistake.  I know I have issues with dairy and sugar.  It tasted amazing.  It didn't not feel amazing.  For the rest of the ten days there was no more dairy because I know exactly how it effects me.  But I wanted to see a fuller picture of how sugar effects me.  Headaches, crappy sleep, acid reflux, and crankiness.  I'm not about that life.  During my first Whole 30 of the year I knew I would want to do a second.  So after ten days of not feeling as good as I had been plus putting back on a few pounds, round two starts today!  I'm hoping to post more of my recipes in the recipes section so that y'all can try some of my favorites.  Looking forward to good food that feels good!

New Year

Normally I don't have resolutions for the new year.  They always felt contrived  and too easy too easy to break.  I know that it's easier to reach goals when they're SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound).  This year I'm setting my resolution as getting outside more hopefully in an attempt to increase my health through moving more.  I've left it more open ended so that I don't feel constrained.  I plan on making other changes to finally get myself to live the life I wan.  It's said that starting too many things at once can lead to your downfall.  It's stressful and can easily feel overwhelming.  So the big takeaway can be small changes, a little bit at a time to make it stick.  I'm trying to keep this in mind while trying to be healthier and starting my year off right.

I wanted to take thirty days to really start to remember to love myself.  Why 30 days?  A few reasons.  While I've done them before, I wanted to do a Whole30 to help address my sugar addiction.  I have also recently gotten into yoga.  I really enjoy Yoga With Adriene on YouTube and wanted to do this years 30 days of yoga.  Both of these things I'm starting today so that both will end with January.  I'm looking forward to doing a version of Paleo after the Whole30 and continue with yoga.

There's also the concept of doing things that you loved to do as a kid for exercise.  The idea is that you'll still truly enjoy it and it won't feel like you're actually working out. I'm really looking forward to getting back to hiking, backpacking, and biking that have been helpful and enjoyable in the past.  One of the amazing tools I love using is REI.  They offer classes that are free or cheap to help with basics for different sports.  Sometimes it's fun to get reinvigorated in being healthy by learning something new about a sport you like or learning a new sport related to something you already enjoy.  Coming up, I'm doing a Basics of Winter Camping class so I can have all four seasons to get outdoors.  I'm also taking a Hiking the Appalachian Trail basics class so I can work towards accomplishing my long term goals.  I really wanted to take the snowshoeing class but unfortunately it conflicts with my schedule.

So small changes, getting outdoors, taking classes from local sports stores or community providers are the main things that I'm employing to get healthy.  I also plan on wrangling friends and family into getting outdoors with me.  Luckily, most of the people in my life are already into moving more.  Having a support system can also be really helpful.    I'm really looking forward to being where I want to be in relation to my health.

It Depends

Recently a friend and I were working on some or our interpreting coursework in an open computer lab and we had a gentleman ask us how to say something in ASL.  This is such a complicated question and one of the phrases used endlessly throughout our journey has been, "It depends."  

I know that this sounds like a cop out and that we are trying to avoid the question.  However, the question itself assumes that there is a one to one interpretation for every English word or phrase.  When you think about the word love, the meaning changes depending on whether you're talking to a friend, a spouse, a parent, a child, or if you're talking about a thing.  Also, how many different types of happy are there?  You could be ecstatic, elated, excited, content, joyful, glad, delighted, or any other synonym for delighted.  Some of those may be signed similarly to each other and some may not.  Some may also have a slightly different body position or facial expression that effect the meaning.

So much meaning  depends on the circumstances and the people involved as well as how a word is being used in a sentence.  So if you ask me how to say something and I reply, "it depends," know that it's normal and I appreciate that you want to learn.  Plus, if you pause long enough I'm sure that I'll dive into why it depends and give you a whole lot more information on American Sign Language than you thought you wanted to know.

Black Friday Opt Out

When I originally started writing this I was going to discuss Black Friday.  It seems like such an ugly thing to talk about.  A day filled with consumerism to kick start the time of year that should be about family and being grateful for one another.  Don't get me wrong, I've been Black Friday shopping.  Twice.  I was efficient about it and only got what was on my list, but it doesn't change the fact that I willingly participated.  I wouldn't take it back either.

But I keep finding myself coming back to this topic of tenacity and will power in my own life.  I'm sure that on varying levels we've all experienced fluctuations.  We have certain things that are no brainers and we stick with it without thinking.  But there are those things that plague us.  Mine seems to be an overarching umbrella of health but it really boils down to food.  In my previous blog I discussed my journey through going sugar free.  I may eventually get back to that in some form since it really worked for me in terms of actually maintaining a healthy "diet" and losing weight.  But I seem to always have issues surrounding food.

I know it's easy to assume that I don't eat healthily.  Mostly you'd be wrong.  My issue was never eating healthy food.  My issue has always been sugar and my inability to moderate myself in that arena.  If candy and cakes never existed, I can guarantee that I would be an average, healthy person.  I won't lie and say I would be the healthiest because I make a mean fried chicken, but I also crave vegetables. I keep giving myself excuses to not live the life I know I want and know I can have.  Today I ended up getting mad at myself for letting myself struggle.  I recommitted and wrote myself a letter so I could not only remember how I'm feeling, but also to remind myself that I am worth it.

One of the big things I put in my letter was, "Start now!"  This is the thing that I have been working on implementing recently.  Why wait?  Anything you can do tomorrow, you can do now.  I know that these are all cliché platitudes, but in all reality, it's true.  I know and use in other areas of my life the idea of, "if I get it done now, then I'm free to relax."  Why not apply that to all areas of my life?  If I just eat healthy now, then I can stop worrying about starting. 

I'm feeling good about this restart.  I hope it helps others that I have put this out in the world, but it's out there in my world.  I am putting the intention out into the world in multiple forms that I can access and remind myself that I am worth it.  And remember, you're worth it too.

Can We Start a Countdown Yet?

So I think it's fair to say that despite me still being on the younger side of being an adult, I am no spring chicken anymore.  I feel old even using that phrase.  I'd like to think that at this point I am able to set goals and create a plan to reach those goals.  You know, like an adult.  However, I seem to spend a solid amount of time setting personal goals that, are admirable, but aren't necessarily SMART (specific, measurable, achievable, relevant, time-bound).  I then flounder about trying to achieve them through weird trial and error, but mostly error, and then quit.

After two and a half years, I am nearing the end of my Interpreter Training Program.  It has always felt worth it, but it hasn't always been easy.  Between limited full days off, having limited time with my boyfriend who became my husband, and trying to find time for the sheer amount of homework, getting to the next semester was what kept me, and others in my cohort going.  Without having to explicitly say it, we all had a SMART goal of becoming an interpreter.  Now that we are nearing the end of the program there is so much more to think about than what is happening next semester.

I won't bore you with the details, but it boils down to finishing our last semester while also preparing to take the first of two national tests, getting all of our professional memberships and clearances lined up, slowly amassing an appropriate wardrobe, plus a litany of other adult things that will prepare us to be freelance interpreters.  It's exciting and a little scary, in a good way, and fairly surreal.  I am so amazingly ready to do this.  And by that I mean that I am fully aware of just how unprepared I am.  But I am supremely looking forward to continuing to learn and getting out in the community to foster open and effective communication.  But first, let me get trough the next semester.

Life Long Learners Unite

There seems to be a running theme where I have so many things I want to do and say, but never enough time to accomplish anything.  This means that may of the projects I want to work on get pushed to the side.  I swear I have a good reason though!! 

For the past two and a half years I have been working on completing an ASL certificate and an ITP.  For those of you who don't know, this means that I've been working towards becoming an ASL Interpreter.  By summer of 2018 I plan on being provisionally licensed and practicing so that I can work on becoming a fully certified interpreter.

Now that the finish line is getting closer, I want to have more of a presence on my site and I want to start sharing my love of the language and the community that I am continually getting to know much better.  I'm also hoping to share information to help bridge the gap in misconceptions.  I will never claim to be an expert on ASL or the Deaf community.  I just hope to share some of the amazing things I have, and will continue to learn.

Piles of Projects

     I know I'm not the only one who can relate to being swamped with life.  Between working full time, going back to school, and planning a wedding, my sewing has been left behind.  I know, I don't like it either.  I have, however, been working on a project whenever I find a few spare moments.  For years I have seen hexi projects, ones where the "blocks" are in a hexagon shape, and have wanted to do a project with it. I always assumed it was too difficult, partly because I made it out to be harder than it was, and partly because I had never found a good tutorial.

     That all changed this past winter went I found the My Poppet Makes website.  She has managed to explain the procedure, with pictures, in a way that makes it easy to understand.  It is not a timely project but it is one that I want to conquer.

To see how to do the initial work, follow this link.

To see how to make a project with the hexies use this link.

     Rest assured that I will be making more time for faster, more on target, projects.  I should have more bags up in the near future as well as pictures of quilts I'm working on.

New Directions

     So I sit here, in a typical Pittsburgh row home (read drafty with a random toilet or shower in the basement) trying to narrow in on the direction of this blog.  I don't know that there's going to a rigid, linear progression, but more of a celebration of the things I love.  There will be lots of hiking, biking, sewing, and Pittsburgh.  Oh, and food. Cooking and eating.  All of this with Pictures to go along with them.

     Pittsburgh is not my first home.  I am originally from Maryland.  In the summer of 2001 I moved to the greater Pittsburgh area but had spent the 15 years prior to that living in a small community at the head of the Chesapeake Bay.  I missed it and at first, I was not a fan of the burgh.  I still miss Maryland, but not as much.  I also like Pittsburgh way more than I used to, but that may be because it wasn't about the city, it was about that I don't like living in the suburbs.  Personal choices and what not.

     Seeing as I'm not a fan, you won't be seeing much of the suburbs here.  What you will see is a good amount of the city as well as the amazing natural resources in the area including the great state and national parks.  I also love cooking and eating food. I'm hoping to have a showcasing of both food I cook as well as the awesome food that the city has to offer.

     I'm looking forward to sharing with you and, hopefully, hearing back from you!